Home.

i logged into Fridae and saw the video made for the PinkDot event during June this year.

in the video, there was an elderly old green couple where one of them was crippled and they were both taking a drive and there was this scene when the passenger looked at his partner, then extended his hand on his partner’s hands, reminded me of how we used to do that and i would place my hands on his and then he would lightly grab my fingers while driving, and a surge of bittersweet memories came up and i couldn’t contain the tears. that was what we could have been and what we could have become in the long run, but that’s for another post.

my ex boyfriend has always told me he’s more like “PinkDot” and me being more “gay pride”, which he means i’m more aggressive when it comes to taking a stand for LGBT community, but he’s less aggressive and proves equality through his profession, something i really admire him on. he sees me as being the aggressive type that speaks out loud but i’ve always told him i don’t speak aggressively at all, and he never gets that and has always assumed that i was the one picking fights with so much anger and hate, something i probably need to pause and evaluate myself for since i’ve always felt miserable with a lot of anger but not to the extent that i would vent it out aggressively.

the video was so moving that i teared when i watched how vile society can be with discrimination against love. hopefully one day i will be able to attend PinkDot with my partner, celebrate our love and make a stand against discrimination.

there’s still so much more to learn.

what we could’ve been

i recalled before u said that all u wanted was to find someone that blows your mind and then spend the rest of your life with, that’s as simple as what you’ve ever wanted. when i heard what u said, immediately i thought we understood each other because that’s what i’ve always wanted, and we both understood how hard it was to find love in the first place. we dated, we kissed for hours and in the end we ended up being together not because of sex, but because how we loved and fell for each other.

i’ve always pictured us giving each other a fair time off after that incident and no contact, then we would recollect all our emotions and think back all the shit that we’ve been through over the past few months back to the start and the memories of how we got together, then evaluate our relationship, come to an understanding, talk it through after our cool down period and work things out because at this point in our lives in a gay relationship, in the long run, all we could yearn for is companionship, trust, and commitment to each other. i gave u my all, and i gave u everything (and sometimes probably too much of it), except for trust which i realized recently was what we needed to work on. i was prepared to do that, but apparently it seemed like u didn’t even bothered to try.

where else could u find someone committed in a companionship in the distant years to come when we’re both old, saggy and ridden with sickness who’s willing to look past your ugly flaws and the worst of you and put all the effort to accept and adapt because he still thinks that you’re worth it as a companion, friend, lover, family, etc?

where else could u find someone who’s willing to be in an open relationship because u have urges and all that he needed was simply just an assurance that everytime u will always come back to his heart and a little bit of patience, and not some confusing shit that u have to actually “choose” between the other guy and him.

where else could u find someone selfless enough that will go that extra mile for u when u needed the most even if it means waking up in the middle of the night to send u off to the airport or the bus station and not complaint a single bit because he knows how much u mean to him?

where else could u find someone to make an effort to try and forcibly push away all his own insecurities just so he can give u what u’ve always wanted regardless of how uncomfortable it is and all u needed to give was just time a bit little more patience?

where else could u find someone that can be easily talked out of a heated argument simply by just a light touch on the face, a slight nudge on the shoulder, a small peck on the cheek, or just a silly stupid joke to make him smile again, forget everything and make everything alright again?

where else could u find someone who’s fascinated by your job and putting an effort to Google the internet and read terms and some jargons to understand your job just so u won’t feel so isolated when u talk about your frustration at work?

where else could u find someone who would make the effort to prepare food and bites for you whenever you’re busy and hungry knowing how big portions you want in your meals after a tiring day at work, especially your favorite curry noodles?

where else could u find someone who’s heart aches when you get sad or upset about in work or your family and will always be there no matter what to make everything alright again because all he cares more in the world is you other than himself?

where else could u find someone who has good friends that accepts him for who he is and is willing to make u feel comfortable and to meet u and is genuinely happy for u both without any forms of discrimination, judgments, just pure open, honest, friendship, love and absolute respect for the privacy of u both?

this was what we could have been, what we could’ve had, and what we could’ve become, if only it could’ve been our reality.

thank you.

i remembered a few months back, i texted you saying how i’ve always thought i’d be single for my whole life and thought i’d never found love, till you found me, changed everything, and made me the happiest green man alive, you reminded me how hard it was to find love being green and i appreciate that and sincerely, i thank you.

i remembered the time when u surprised me with my favourite green tea cheese cake for my birthday even though i knew you didn’t bake it yourself, u did something for me, and said happy birthday and gave me a peck on my cheek, that was the best birthday present i’ve ever had in my entire life, i cherished every moment of it, thank you.

i remembered the time when you told me i looked fine whenever i said i looked fat, whenever i complain about my hair, u always say it’s good just the way it is, you kept on reassuring me again and again how perfect i am just the way i was even though i knew my flaws, but i never listened, i know that now, although it was too late, thank you,

i remembered u telling me how hard it was to handle me and being honest about it, it hurts, but eventually i had to accept that, and somehow i ignored the signs while being blinded by love and took away something that you needed most… space. i was still learning and i was too childish to understood that, you taught me how I needed to listen, and how to truly love a person, i know that now, thank you.

i remembered once when i finished work and asked u out for dinner with me, it was a bad day at work, i was frustrated and stressed out, u asked me how was work, i grunted in frustration and exhaled a long breath while driving, u extended your arms and pat my back consoling me and smiled to me, that moment, i felt relieved as if someone finally connected and understood me and everything felt better again, i recall that moment so vividly as it was those simple moments i thought i’d never had and for once i finally had it, i thank you.

i remembered u teaching me how to control my food intake when i was so eager to go on a diet to lose weight. you clarified what carbs were and helped set rules for me during my food intake during breakfast, lunch and dinner for the week and would go out with me for carb dinners during that one day during the weekends to reward me, and that ultimately taught me to be more conscious about my food and weight. i appreciate that so much and i thank you.

it’s hard to let go, and i know i have to, they say the first is always the hardest, it really is, but i’m grateful for being able to feel this for once in my life.

thank you.

confidence

confidence, something that I’ve always had the illusion that I had it, and only now I realized that I never had it, and with that it cost me the love of my life.

over the past few months, was the ride of my life and still is, i’ve already accepted the idea that i’ll be single for life and always pictured myself living with a dog in an apartment living my life till my last breath, then when I met him, I changed, and it was different.

sex has always been a dilemma for me, i’ve always want to have it with a loved one and i don’t know how, i remembered when we first started to date, i remembered he called me a diamond ore, as corny as that sounded, i thought it was sweet and he reassured me that we can take things slow, seeing how he understands that i was so insecure about sex, him saying that meant the world to me and that I inadvertently exploited that, little did i know it was a hint for a ticking time bomb in our relationship.

i love him so much, the first few months in our relationship was one of the best times of my life, then we had disagreements, fights, arguments and I’ve always thought of it as something like a hurdle that I need to trudge through along the way, and someday we’ll be able to look back and say how we’ve pulled through those hurdles and peck each other on our cheeks in our living room and say how much we’ve been through to come to reach this point.

as the months went in, i admit that i was scared, i was not that sure who is he in my life, and what he will be to me, until i witnessed a good close friend of mine who we had planned a proposal to the love of his life and i was touched at how two people could be able to commit to each other and be so happy, then i realized, i can never think of anyone else to fill in those shoes other than him and deep down in my heart, i opened up and i knew he was the one. after that,  according to him, i changed, i got vulnerable, i got attached to him, i got clingy, and ultimately i became unbearable to him. he became distant, and he needed space from me, i understand that, i really do, then i began to think why did i need so much attention now when i’m with him? or was it because he finished his qualification exam and that he was finally able to scrutinize everything and realised me being so vulnerable and attached was not something he wanted?

it was until i found out that a 3rd guy was involved, i never thought something like that would happen to me, and it took me by surprise, my world fell apart, then we talked and i understood that he needs intimacy and i was not able to give that to him thanks to my inexperience in love relationships, he never approached or talked to me about it and all he needed simply was just ask, and i didn’t know it was so important for him to be able to share that moment with me, my heart broke. i took a step back and accepted it, because all i needed from him was his love for me, and as long as he was honest and open with me and it was just sex, i took a step back, and i accepted it because all i wanted was for him to be happy. ultimately losing that intimacy with him to another guy meant losing him all together, and i realized i didn’t even stand a slim chance at all.

they started to hang out, frequently texting one other on a daily basis, i started to feel insecure and i was worried that he’ll develop feelings for him, which he eventually did. during the first week after i found out, i was out of town and being apart from him, i gradually succumbed to my thoughts and i could see the little things he would talk about him that suggests that he started to have feelings for him above me, all my insecurities overwhelmed me, who wouldn’t? my heart shattered, what was initially planned as a break from my work stress became even more stressful, all i wanted was just to fly back home and meet up with you so bad that i hated my trip and i wanted to book the next flight back so bad, i was a total wreck.

all i needed was assurance, all i needed was simply your love for me to make us work and a bit of effort to show that you still cared, but for it to mean more than sex, that’s just too much to bear, i realized i needed to change for the sake of my relationship, so that’s what i’m willing to commit my effort to, for us but i guess it’s too late now.

falling in love

I met him online, he found me, we exchanged our facebook accounts, then our phone numbers, and the rest was history.

I still remembered us talking about meeting up in person for the first time, I was so nervous and worried he wouldn’t like me in person, I was restless. He gave me his address and asked whether I knew where was it, I said “yeap”, I lied, I had to pick up a good friend of mine to lead the way a few hours before our movie date. I bought the tickets a few hours earlier for two in case there was no seat, he hinted that he wasn’t interested in watching a movie, but I already bought the tickets, he asked whether I had already bought them, I said “nope”, I lied again. I was shaking, my heart itched in tremor, I even met up with another friend before our actual date to calm my nerves, she did a good job to talk me out of my sanity. Things were going so well between us just texting, and I didn’t want that to go away, I was terrified.

I picked him up at 6, he came out wearing his blue jersey, long pants and sports shoes and a sling bag with his spiky hair, we said hi, I spoke in English because I wanted him to feel the same way as how we felt texting each other. He looked adorable, and first thing I noticed was how tall he was, the first conversation we had was how easy it was to find his place while I drove off for our date, I lied, again. I asked if he still wanted to watch the movie, he said yes, then I realized I had lied to him earlier that I didn’t get the tickets, so I bought another two tickets with him, I know, sillyme. We went for dinner, that was the first time we officially crossed eyes in a conversation, he was polite, decent and apprehensive, he was starving, poor thing. I wanted to buy confectioneries and drinks before the movie, but the queue was too long, he offered me his bottle of water, I blushed and got nervous, but I held it together and politely declined.

After the movie, we went for a stroll at the riverbank. We talked a lot, I enjoyed his company. He was trying to be nice, I had so many opinions, being full of myself and trying to break every cold silence talking non stop being the nervous wreck that I am, but he was sweet, caring and beared with my absurdness. For the first time in my life, I felt something about life that’s so precious, I was happy. It was already late, just right before he left my car, we had a moment, he looked so calm and adorable, I wanted to kiss him goodbye, but he turned and went out of the car, I was fine with it then we said our goodbyes. I drove home feeling as if I’m on cloud nine, like a little boy who had his first crush. It was beautiful, innocent, and one of the best times of my life. He text me after, I thought I came off too much mouthing off like a machine gun non-stop, he said I was fine, so I told him we should try speaking in chinese next time as I wanted to feel more close with him, I texted him saying how I had a good time, he said the same and asked me out for a lunch date tomorrow, I smiled receiving his text and politely agreed with ease knowing our first date went well.

I picked him up for lunch, it was our second date. I arrived 30 mins early as I know he has a tight schedule, I texted him and did almost 5 rounds at the parking lot to kill time, then he came out and I saw him, with his spiky hair, carrying a bag and holding an umbrella walking out to looking for me, my heart just melted. We went for fast food and talked during lunch, then he got a text saying that his afternoon sessions were off and he was free for the rest of the day, and he suggested going to the beach out of the blue, I gladly went with it. The beach was calm, breezy, and it was one of the best memories I’ve had at a beach, we walked around then found a good place to sit facing the sea, and talked for hours together, one moment our hands touched accidentally while I was leaning on the seat, I blushed and got so nervous, so I pulled away, I know, silly me. We drove back town and went for dinner then sent him home, after that 2nd date, I knew something happened inside of me and I didn’t know how to express it, he was my first date, and my first crush, and my first true love.

the night when we made it all official, I remembered how we talked about hanging together in ur room when u would be doing ur studying and me lying on ur belly watching my series and how beautiful that picture was to you. it was my off day, I planned on hanging at ur place briefly to watch my series when u were being ok with it, u asked me to come over to your bed but I was reluctant, I washed my feet then crawled up anyways and watched my series, u crawled on the bed with me, halfway watching it, u put ur arms around me and gave me a peck on the cheek, I smiled then I kissed u back, then we smiled together. we finished the episode then starred at each other, then started making out for hours knowing inside how lucky we were to have found each other by chance, then u popped the question to make it official, I was apprehensive at first, but everything felt so right at that moment, and I didn’t want to let this feeling slip away and so there we were, where our adventure started, being in love.

I finally knew how to fall in love the first time in my life, thank you baby.

it’s about damn time

your eyes don’t discriminate, why should u?

i just posted this video on my personal facebook timeline and it was a pretty daunting thing to accomplish I’d tell u that, i mean just mentioning anything about green to relate to my facebook account seemed very intimidating since my family members are on it, but somehow, fuck it,  i just click “shared” and there it was, and i’m ever proud of it and forever ready to take in any bullets.

if u’re reading this, share this out and play a part in ending discrimination.

being green

aside from the obvious that i’m an avid fan of green tea, i’ll start off this blog by later declaring a variable that i would be neutrally using throughout my posts to imply and replace a term that the common public has often if not, already ridden with negative notions to shed off all presumptions along with this harmless three-lettered word.

 

gay

 

ahh yes, perceived as the scum of society, the random contradictions of nature, or even the grounds people would use to justify jokes, suicides, bullying, hate, discrimination and even pain.

 

green

 

on the other hand, we have this word where everyone loves, grow, respects, awe, honor and glorifies it. our eyes love it, life spawns and grows upon it, countries come together to talk about it, codes and laws passed to preserve it, schools teaching kids to respect it, and even mother nature thrives on it. no discrimination, no judgments, no hate.

and then i realized, why in the world should homosexuality be treated any different?

i will do my best to bring to light the labels, the assumptions, the judgments, the good and bad on the same plane to question through the many channels i’ve encountered in my life, hopefully to bring about change, embrace, love and even acceptance.

p/s: i’m just an ordinary guy with flaws but with an eager heart and a naively ambitious intent to bring about change and acceptance. if you too share my values, by all means pls contact me at greenmatcha@ymail.com.