what we could’ve been

i recalled before u said that all u wanted was to find someone that blows your mind and then spend the rest of your life with, that’s as simple as what you’ve ever wanted. when i heard what u said, immediately i thought we understood each other because that’s what i’ve always wanted, and we both understood how hard it was to find love in the first place. we dated, we kissed for hours and in the end we ended up being together not because of sex, but because how we loved and fell for each other.

i’ve always pictured us giving each other a fair time off after that incident and no contact, then we would recollect all our emotions and think back all the shit that we’ve been through over the past few months back to the start and the memories of how we got together, then evaluate our relationship, come to an understanding, talk it through after our cool down period and work things out because at this point in our lives in a gay relationship, in the long run, all we could yearn for is companionship, trust, and commitment to each other. i gave u my all, and i gave u everything (and sometimes probably too much of it), except for trust which i realized recently was what we needed to work on. i was prepared to do that, but apparently it seemed like u didn’t even bothered to try.

where else could u find someone committed in a companionship in the distant years to come when we’re both old, saggy and ridden with sickness who’s willing to look past your ugly flaws and the worst of you and put all the effort to accept and adapt because he still thinks that you’re worth it as a companion, friend, lover, family, etc?

where else could u find someone who’s willing to be in an open relationship because u have urges and all that he needed was simply just an assurance that everytime u will always come back to his heart and a little bit of patience, and not some confusing shit that u have to actually “choose” between the other guy and him.

where else could u find someone selfless enough that will go that extra mile for u when u needed the most even if it means waking up in the middle of the night to send u off to the airport or the bus station and not complaint a single bit because he knows how much u mean to him?

where else could u find someone to make an effort to try and forcibly push away all his own insecurities just so he can give u what u’ve always wanted regardless of how uncomfortable it is and all u needed to give was just time a bit little more patience?

where else could u find someone that can be easily talked out of a heated argument simply by just a light touch on the face, a slight nudge on the shoulder, a small peck on the cheek, or just a silly stupid joke to make him smile again, forget everything and make everything alright again?

where else could u find someone who’s fascinated by your job and putting an effort to Google the internet and read terms and some jargons to understand your job just so u won’t feel so isolated when u talk about your frustration at work?

where else could u find someone who would make the effort to prepare food and bites for you whenever you’re busy and hungry knowing how big portions you want in your meals after a tiring day at work, especially your favorite curry noodles?

where else could u find someone who’s heart aches when you get sad or upset about in work or your family and will always be there no matter what to make everything alright again because all he cares more in the world is you other than himself?

where else could u find someone who has good friends that accepts him for who he is and is willing to make u feel comfortable and to meet u and is genuinely happy for u both without any forms of discrimination, judgments, just pure open, honest, friendship, love and absolute respect for the privacy of u both?

this was what we could have been, what we could’ve had, and what we could’ve become, if only it could’ve been our reality.

thank you.

i remembered a few months back, i texted you saying how i’ve always thought i’d be single for my whole life and thought i’d never found love, till you found me, changed everything, and made me the happiest green man alive, you reminded me how hard it was to find love being green and i appreciate that and sincerely, i thank you.

i remembered the time when u surprised me with my favourite green tea cheese cake for my birthday even though i knew you didn’t bake it yourself, u did something for me, and said happy birthday and gave me a peck on my cheek, that was the best birthday present i’ve ever had in my entire life, i cherished every moment of it, thank you.

i remembered the time when you told me i looked fine whenever i said i looked fat, whenever i complain about my hair, u always say it’s good just the way it is, you kept on reassuring me again and again how perfect i am just the way i was even though i knew my flaws, but i never listened, i know that now, although it was too late, thank you,

i remembered u telling me how hard it was to handle me and being honest about it, it hurts, but eventually i had to accept that, and somehow i ignored the signs while being blinded by love and took away something that you needed most… space. i was still learning and i was too childish to understood that, you taught me how I needed to listen, and how to truly love a person, i know that now, thank you.

i remembered once when i finished work and asked u out for dinner with me, it was a bad day at work, i was frustrated and stressed out, u asked me how was work, i grunted in frustration and exhaled a long breath while driving, u extended your arms and pat my back consoling me and smiled to me, that moment, i felt relieved as if someone finally connected and understood me and everything felt better again, i recall that moment so vividly as it was those simple moments i thought i’d never had and for once i finally had it, i thank you.

i remembered u teaching me how to control my food intake when i was so eager to go on a diet to lose weight. you clarified what carbs were and helped set rules for me during my food intake during breakfast, lunch and dinner for the week and would go out with me for carb dinners during that one day during the weekends to reward me, and that ultimately taught me to be more conscious about my food and weight. i appreciate that so much and i thank you.

it’s hard to let go, and i know i have to, they say the first is always the hardest, it really is, but i’m grateful for being able to feel this for once in my life.

thank you.