what we could’ve been

i recalled before u said that all u wanted was to find someone that blows your mind and then spend the rest of your life with, that’s as simple as what you’ve ever wanted. when i heard what u said, immediately i thought we understood each other because that’s what i’ve always wanted, and we both understood how hard it was to find love in the first place. we dated, we kissed for hours and in the end we ended up being together not because of sex, but because how we loved and fell for each other.

i’ve always pictured us giving each other a fair time off after that incident and no contact, then we would recollect all our emotions and think back all the shit that we’ve been through over the past few months back to the start and the memories of how we got together, then evaluate our relationship, come to an understanding, talk it through after our cool down period and work things out because at this point in our lives in a gay relationship, in the long run, all we could yearn for is companionship, trust, and commitment to each other. i gave u my all, and i gave u everything (and sometimes probably too much of it), except for trust which i realized recently was what we needed to work on. i was prepared to do that, but apparently it seemed like u didn’t even bothered to try.

where else could u find someone committed in a companionship in the distant years to come when we’re both old, saggy and ridden with sickness who’s willing to look past your ugly flaws and the worst of you and put all the effort to accept and adapt because he still thinks that you’re worth it as a companion, friend, lover, family, etc?

where else could u find someone who’s willing to be in an open relationship because u have urges and all that he needed was simply just an assurance that everytime u will always come back to his heart and a little bit of patience, and not some confusing shit that u have to actually “choose” between the other guy and him.

where else could u find someone selfless enough that will go that extra mile for u when u needed the most even if it means waking up in the middle of the night to send u off to the airport or the bus station and not complaint a single bit because he knows how much u mean to him?

where else could u find someone to make an effort to try and forcibly push away all his own insecurities just so he can give u what u’ve always wanted regardless of how uncomfortable it is and all u needed to give was just time a bit little more patience?

where else could u find someone that can be easily talked out of a heated argument simply by just a light touch on the face, a slight nudge on the shoulder, a small peck on the cheek, or just a silly stupid joke to make him smile again, forget everything and make everything alright again?

where else could u find someone who’s fascinated by your job and putting an effort to Google the internet and read terms and some jargons to understand your job just so u won’t feel so isolated when u talk about your frustration at work?

where else could u find someone who would make the effort to prepare food and bites for you whenever you’re busy and hungry knowing how big portions you want in your meals after a tiring day at work, especially your favorite curry noodles?

where else could u find someone who’s heart aches when you get sad or upset about in work or your family and will always be there no matter what to make everything alright again because all he cares more in the world is you other than himself?

where else could u find someone who has good friends that accepts him for who he is and is willing to make u feel comfortable and to meet u and is genuinely happy for u both without any forms of discrimination, judgments, just pure open, honest, friendship, love and absolute respect for the privacy of u both?

this was what we could have been, what we could’ve had, and what we could’ve become, if only it could’ve been our reality.

confidence

confidence, something that I’ve always had the illusion that I had it, and only now I realized that I never had it, and with that it cost me the love of my life.

over the past few months, was the ride of my life and still is, i’ve already accepted the idea that i’ll be single for life and always pictured myself living with a dog in an apartment living my life till my last breath, then when I met him, I changed, and it was different.

sex has always been a dilemma for me, i’ve always want to have it with a loved one and i don’t know how, i remembered when we first started to date, i remembered he called me a diamond ore, as corny as that sounded, i thought it was sweet and he reassured me that we can take things slow, seeing how he understands that i was so insecure about sex, him saying that meant the world to me and that I inadvertently exploited that, little did i know it was a hint for a ticking time bomb in our relationship.

i love him so much, the first few months in our relationship was one of the best times of my life, then we had disagreements, fights, arguments and I’ve always thought of it as something like a hurdle that I need to trudge through along the way, and someday we’ll be able to look back and say how we’ve pulled through those hurdles and peck each other on our cheeks in our living room and say how much we’ve been through to come to reach this point.

as the months went in, i admit that i was scared, i was not that sure who is he in my life, and what he will be to me, until i witnessed a good close friend of mine who we had planned a proposal to the love of his life and i was touched at how two people could be able to commit to each other and be so happy, then i realized, i can never think of anyone else to fill in those shoes other than him and deep down in my heart, i opened up and i knew he was the one. after that,  according to him, i changed, i got vulnerable, i got attached to him, i got clingy, and ultimately i became unbearable to him. he became distant, and he needed space from me, i understand that, i really do, then i began to think why did i need so much attention now when i’m with him? or was it because he finished his qualification exam and that he was finally able to scrutinize everything and realised me being so vulnerable and attached was not something he wanted?

it was until i found out that a 3rd guy was involved, i never thought something like that would happen to me, and it took me by surprise, my world fell apart, then we talked and i understood that he needs intimacy and i was not able to give that to him thanks to my inexperience in love relationships, he never approached or talked to me about it and all he needed simply was just ask, and i didn’t know it was so important for him to be able to share that moment with me, my heart broke. i took a step back and accepted it, because all i needed from him was his love for me, and as long as he was honest and open with me and it was just sex, i took a step back, and i accepted it because all i wanted was for him to be happy. ultimately losing that intimacy with him to another guy meant losing him all together, and i realized i didn’t even stand a slim chance at all.

they started to hang out, frequently texting one other on a daily basis, i started to feel insecure and i was worried that he’ll develop feelings for him, which he eventually did. during the first week after i found out, i was out of town and being apart from him, i gradually succumbed to my thoughts and i could see the little things he would talk about him that suggests that he started to have feelings for him above me, all my insecurities overwhelmed me, who wouldn’t? my heart shattered, what was initially planned as a break from my work stress became even more stressful, all i wanted was just to fly back home and meet up with you so bad that i hated my trip and i wanted to book the next flight back so bad, i was a total wreck.

all i needed was assurance, all i needed was simply your love for me to make us work and a bit of effort to show that you still cared, but for it to mean more than sex, that’s just too much to bear, i realized i needed to change for the sake of my relationship, so that’s what i’m willing to commit my effort to, for us but i guess it’s too late now.