confidence, something that I’ve always had the illusion that I had it, and only now I realized that I never had it, and with that it cost me the love of my life.
over the past few months, was the ride of my life and still is, i’ve already accepted the idea that i’ll be single for life and always pictured myself living with a dog in an apartment living my life till my last breath, then when I met him, I changed, and it was different.
sex has always been a dilemma for me, i’ve always want to have it with a loved one and i don’t know how, i remembered when we first started to date, i remembered he called me a diamond ore, as corny as that sounded, i thought it was sweet and he reassured me that we can take things slow, seeing how he understands that i was so insecure about sex, him saying that meant the world to me and that I inadvertently exploited that, little did i know it was a hint for a ticking time bomb in our relationship.
i love him so much, the first few months in our relationship was one of the best times of my life, then we had disagreements, fights, arguments and I’ve always thought of it as something like a hurdle that I need to trudge through along the way, and someday we’ll be able to look back and say how we’ve pulled through those hurdles and peck each other on our cheeks in our living room and say how much we’ve been through to come to reach this point.
as the months went in, i admit that i was scared, i was not that sure who is he in my life, and what he will be to me, until i witnessed a good close friend of mine who we had planned a proposal to the love of his life and i was touched at how two people could be able to commit to each other and be so happy, then i realized, i can never think of anyone else to fill in those shoes other than him and deep down in my heart, i opened up and i knew he was the one. after that, according to him, i changed, i got vulnerable, i got attached to him, i got clingy, and ultimately i became unbearable to him. he became distant, and he needed space from me, i understand that, i really do, then i began to think why did i need so much attention now when i’m with him? or was it because he finished his qualification exam and that he was finally able to scrutinize everything and realised me being so vulnerable and attached was not something he wanted?
it was until i found out that a 3rd guy was involved, i never thought something like that would happen to me, and it took me by surprise, my world fell apart, then we talked and i understood that he needs intimacy and i was not able to give that to him thanks to my inexperience in love relationships, he never approached or talked to me about it and all he needed simply was just ask, and i didn’t know it was so important for him to be able to share that moment with me, my heart broke. i took a step back and accepted it, because all i needed from him was his love for me, and as long as he was honest and open with me and it was just sex, i took a step back, and i accepted it because all i wanted was for him to be happy. ultimately losing that intimacy with him to another guy meant losing him all together, and i realized i didn’t even stand a slim chance at all.
they started to hang out, frequently texting one other on a daily basis, i started to feel insecure and i was worried that he’ll develop feelings for him, which he eventually did. during the first week after i found out, i was out of town and being apart from him, i gradually succumbed to my thoughts and i could see the little things he would talk about him that suggests that he started to have feelings for him above me, all my insecurities overwhelmed me, who wouldn’t? my heart shattered, what was initially planned as a break from my work stress became even more stressful, all i wanted was just to fly back home and meet up with you so bad that i hated my trip and i wanted to book the next flight back so bad, i was a total wreck.
all i needed was assurance, all i needed was simply your love for me to make us work and a bit of effort to show that you still cared, but for it to mean more than sex, that’s just too much to bear, i realized i needed to change for the sake of my relationship, so that’s what i’m willing to commit my effort to, for us but i guess it’s too late now.
greenmatcha 